Do you hear that?

It's the sound of me slowly dying.

I've been having some trouble recently. Well, within the past week really. And it all has to do with where I had surgery.

Just to be less vague, I will tell you where I had my surgery: my bottom. Yes, "ew, wtf, that's strange. Who has surgery on their bottom?" I DO and I'll tell you why, you're welcome.

I had a pilonidal cyst (look it up), and it had to be operated upon because it was so bad. 8 surgeries later, and I am much better, but sometimes I have moments where my body doesn't cooperate and bad things happen. For instance, right now, I'm very swollen and the pain is so excruciating every time I stand up I want to pass out or vomit. My surgery was in a very sensitive area and I still technically have an open wound that I have to take care of every day. Sometimes bad things (like hair, etc) get into the wound and it swells up and gives me a fever and starts pumping out this stuff called "granulation". It looks a little like pus from a pimple, except there's a lot more of it and it's a little bit darker (and I have since become immune to thinking it's disgusting). The granulation leaks out of my body and gets all the bad stuff out. I deal with this every day. Normally, there is only a little granulation, but this past week has been super bad (just think a light period vs. a heavy period). And I'm also in a lot of pain, with no pain medication because my doctors think I'm okay. News flash: I am not okay and need to be on pain medicine all the time because I am in pain all the time. Imagine that!

I am much more stable now than I was back in 2008 and 2009, but there are some times when I go back to feeling like I am debilitating and have to rest all day. It's exhausting. You look at me and think "There's nothing wrong with her". You're wrong - it's just nothing you can see.

I'm sorry if that was a little TMI, but it's my life. Sometimes I'm ashamed of it, but telling my story helps me deal with everything I go through and I like to think it helps others realize that their bodies are totally in control of themselves. You can't control what your body does, but you have to deal with the choices it decides to make.

Don't ever ignore a pain or a problem that you have. Get it checked out and don't let it get too far gone, like I did. Otherwise, you'd be in the same boat that I am every day.

Judge me

But I LOVE Dancing With the Stars. I have for the past 3 years or so, and have watched every season since Kristi Yamaguchi won. I honestly didn't understand why my parents liked it so much, and then I tuned in one night to see what the fuss was about...and I fell in love. In 2009 for my 22nd birthday, my parents and I went to Orlando to see the DWTS Tour. I was head over heels. It really was a lot of fun.

I am an avid watcher, and I make sure to be home every Monday night to see them dance. Last season, I even made Wade watch with me (normally only when Kyle Massey was on with Lacey - he finds her super attractive and thinks she has a great butt, but if it'll get him to watch with me then yes yes yes) and sometimes he would tune in for the whole show. It makes me happy, so he does it. (However, I am emotionally invested in American Idol this season because of him, so it's kind of like "you do what I like, and I'll do what you like" kind of deal) It's always nice to watch it with someone, especially when they kind of start to enjoy it after a bit.

Anyway, I would like to say that although there have been better seasons with more "quality" stars, the stars on this season are wonderfully talented. Chelsea Kane (the main reason I am excited for this season) is so talented it makes me jealous! But the judges are not giving her the props that she deserves (and Mark too, one of the most contemporary and interesting choreographers). I'm very upset with their scoring, especially when they have given Kirstie Alley higher scores (she's good but Chelsea has more energy and is better). It makes me want to think that the show is rigged.

Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas - Jive to "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies" by Panic! At the Disco

Here is their dance. It had tons of jive moves, like Mark says at the end of the video, but since it was a little too "weird" and wasn't "jive-y" the whole time she got poor scores. It makes me so mad. I voted for her because I admire her.

Another stand-out to me is Kendra! She's very talented. She's a little rigid sometimes, but she does a wonderful job. She can get the choreography down very easily, but she has to let herself shine a little and open up her personality more to the dance. She could really make it far. She can move so well and she looks so great doing it. Her Cha-Cha from last week was outstanding; I was very surprised!

Here is her quickstep. I thought she flowed beautifully. She reminds me of Kelly Osbourne. I will admit, though, the song choice was awful.

Kendra Baskett and Louis Van Amstel - Quickstep to "Gotta Work" by Amerie

And my last pick of the night has to go to Chris Jericho. He kind of reminds me of Wade. He's very down to earth and really funny all the time. Plus, he is LIGHT YEARS ahead of where he was last week. I don't know what happened! His frame was lovely and I think it was the best dance of the night, although no one else seems to agree. I hated his Cha-Cha; I feel like Cheryl has lost sight of what this show is about and makes the dances more about herself. Also the song was awful and they had stupid outfits. It just didn't suit him because it suited her more. I used to really like her too. Oh well.

Anyway here is their dance. I was floored and I cheered at the end because I was so surprised! It had a classic feel to it and the song wasn't stupid. It was very nice for a quickstep and he did AMAZING.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke - Quickstep to "I Got Rhythm" by Ella Fitzgerald

The results show is on tonight at 9... I really hope my three favorites stay on. I'm worried for Chelsea because her fan base might not be big enough, and the judges did not like her Jive. But I'm hoping she stays so that I can watch happily next week.

This is about me

My friend Emily (MrsWasp, go follow her) did a 15 facts about me earlier, because she felt like she needed to do that after reading my post about my hospital woes. I'm glad that she decided to delve into herself and see what kind of person she was and tell us about them. It was a very nice thing to read.

And although I did that post, it was only about my medical mysteries. It wasn't about everything else. So I've decided to do a 10 facts post. It's taken me a week to come up with unique things about me (I didn't want to be writing like "My favorite color is blue"; that's lame). I would have written this post earlier, but I had to think of 10 facts first!

I hope it does Emily's justice.

Okay here we go:

01. I wear a hairband on my wrist at all times, even when I'm sleeping. I used to take it off at night and lay it on my bedside table, because I didn't want it digging into my skin when I slept. I had to stop doing that when one time I got sick in the middle of the night and had to go throw up. I didn't have my hair thing and I have a particular way of vomiting (as I do with all things). So I had to hold my hair, and it was weird and awkward. Now, I wear it all the time, even if I'm going to a special event. I don't like eating with my hair down, so when I eat I put it up.

02. I love to clean. Sometimes I get obsessive about it, especially when my parents are gone for the weekend. Also included in cleaning is laundry. I love doing that too. I especially love folding clothes and taking the lint out of the lint filter.

03. My dad was in the Air Force. He's originally from Los Angeles, CA. My mom is from here in Georgia, and they met on his first assignment. So I've had the chance to go to a lot of amazing places and live in other parts of the world. I also feel that that had an affect on how I grew up, how I view certain things, and how cultured I am / feel. Sometimes I feel that I know more than other people just because I've been to more places. That may sound conceited but I really think it's true. I'm not as relatable as other people because my life experiences are different.

04. I don't drink. I had my first drink when I was about 14, but I wasn't interested in it. Then, I got super drunk when I was 18 and almost made a horrible decision. So that's kept me from drinking. Yeah, I had shots on my 21st birthday, I've had green beers on St. Patrick's Day, and now I have a champagne on my birthday each year, but I'm not going to go to the store and get a glass of wine or a 6 pack to drink by myself. It doesn't interest me and it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. Plus, that's a lot of empty calories that you're ingesting... I don't want to get fat, thanks.

05. I really hate when people play video games and I'm just sitting there watching. At least play a video game that I can play with you too! But, when I was younger, my sister would play The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and I would watch her play until she stopped. It was like a movie to me. It still is like a movie! My ex-boyfriend played Twilight Princess 2 years ago. It took him about a month. And I watched him play the whole time. I love watching people play any Zelda game. They were always too difficult for me to play, so instead I would watch, and I loved it. I would still watch anyone play to this day. I'd love to see someone play Majora's Mask, because I haven't seen that one in a long time.

06. I like writing in pen. In high school, I only wrote in pencil, because I didn't want to mess up anything and have to scratch it out. Also, teachers preferred pencil, which was fine with me. But in college, I only wrote with pen unless I was doing some sort of math or science. And I only write with certain pens. My favorites are  the Papermate Profile clicky pens. I love how they flow. I also like the non-clicky Papermate Eagle pens. I used these for all of Fall 2008, and when I couldn't find them in the store I ordered 4 boxes online. LAME I KNOW but I love them so much and they'll last me forever. I also have only 2 of these Bic pens, they are called ReAction. They click and I bought them in France because I didn't think to bring pens or paper. Silly. So I bought them at some drugstore... they are on principal my favorites, also, just because they have serious sentimental value to me. I can only find one right now.

07. I don't remember the year 2007. Is that strange? That was the beginning of all my troubles. I only remember about 4 things that happened in that year, too. It might be weird, but it just means that it wasn't a noteworthy year. I only remember what I did if I read something that I wrote in a journal from that year. Otherwise, it has basically been sandblasted from my memory.

08. If I'm eating a meal, I tend to gravitate to the sides, like the vegetables. I normally eat those first, and I like them more than the actual entrée, whatever it happens to be. For instance, I will also eat the french fries first, before the burger.

09. My first kiss was in Savannah, at a hotel on the 7th floor in between the elevators. It was with a boy I met online, and he was from Minnesota. Don't worry, our parents were there and we all hung out for the day. We liked each other and knew that that was our only chance, so we wandered off and each got our first kisses. We were 16 and "in love". He wasn't such a bad kisser either; he has nice lips. Can't change how or where it happened, but I'm glad it did because he's a nice boy. I still talk to him on occasion.

10. If I have a pen in my hand, I will obsessively draw squares, and then color them in. I do it when I'm on the phone or sometimes at restaurants. Wade thinks I'm crazy and has to take the pen away from me. It calms my nerves.

I hope that was interesting enough!

Unpopular Opinion Time

Yaaay I know everyone is excited.

Anyway, this opinion is based totally on cosmetics. Not the makeup kind.

I'm talking about tattoos.

Oh yeah, everyone loves them and wants their body covered. Not me, everyone. Now, in this day and age, it's more taboo to NOT have a tattoo. I'd like to count myself in that small percentage of people who don't have a tattoo and will most positively never get one. I don't like the idea of having something permanently on my body unless it was put there or made without my permission, like a scar for instance. Plus, I'm 100% positive I would regret getting it and having it; I have come to realize I'm not that dedicated or committed to something like that.

My canvas is blank and will continue to stay that way.

Wade doesn't have any tattoos either, thank goodness. I'm not attracted to them too much. They look good on some people, but it doesn't make me want to date the person any more than I would want to in the first place. I've been fortunate enough to date boys that don't have tattoos and never had them when they were dating me. Wade said that he's always wanted the maltese cross (for imagery, click here) on the inside of his bicep, but I shot the idea down. I said he really needs to think about it, and even if he got one I wouldn't want it anywhere that a person can see. To me, it's just not professional (even though he's a firefighter and it's perfectly okay to have tattoos). I don't like when you can see tattoos peeking out of a shirt or any other article of clothing (I'm talking about you, tramp stamps!), and I really would dislike having to make job / clothing choices based on a decision I made about what kind of flower I wanted on my back or upper arm or where ever.

Also, I think about children, and the impact that having tattoos has on them. Some parents don't seem to mind having their kids see them get / have tattoos, but I think I would mind. Sometimes, when you have kids, and they see that mommy and daddy have tattoos, they want one, so when they turn 18 or whatever they say "I'm totally getting a tattoo". Then mommy and daddy get mad and say "Oh I don't think so, not in my house." Well, you can't really be that much of a hypocrite in front of your kid, can you? Did you expect them to think it was not okay to get a tattoo when you have them? I don't like that.

That's really what I think. I think about the future. I'm a long term sort of person. How will this choice affect me 30 years from now? Will I look good with the Harry Potter lightning bolt on my hip or that giant skull and crossbones on my chest? SEXY.

Wishlist Wednesday

So, I've decided to do a wishlist today. I'll probably not do them very often because thinking of things I wish for is a little difficult for me. I normally don't want that much. I will express my love for something, but the next day I probably will have forgotten about it.

Anyway, on to the list!

So, before I ventured to Kroger today, I really wanted this:

O.P.I "You don't know Jacques!"

I saw it in Kroger a few months ago, and my mom told me to wait to get it because she could get it for cheaper somewhere else. Well, she couldn't find it at her cheaper store, and by the time I went back to Kroger, they were out. So guess who was sad? Me.

So, I went to Kroger today and I saw the O.P.I stand and thought "Wow, I really like that color!" And guess what it was? The same color I had admired from long ago, waiting for me to buy it. So, I did. So, that is no longer on my wishlist, as it is now in my possession. I am excite. 

Update: I just painted my toes this color, and the polish was a bit watery. I wasn't impressed with that. But it looks good, and is much more of a fall color, so I will wait until September to use it on my fingers. I'm totally okay with that because I am excited for new spring colors!

Something else I wish I had is this:

Volcom "Punk Rock Croc" Purse

Once upon a time, I used to work at PacSun, and I only wore brands such as Volcom (my favorite), Billabong, Hurley, etc. It was required for my job, but I didn't mind buying the clothes. It was a good time and the clothes were really fun. But, I have noticed that they have upped their game and started selling clothes with less graphics... it's like PacSun is growing up with me. 

Now, I have given away most of those "gaudy" and graphically-inclined clothes because I have grown out of that stage of graphic tees and loud colors...but I also don't work at PacSun anymore and need to look more like a grownup. 

However, something I will never stop buying is Volcom purses. And this is currently one of my favorites. And I'd probably get it in brown because all of my purses currently are black, and who needs another black purse? I don't know of anyone who is selling it in that teal color, either. It's super cute isn't it though?

Now, time for shoe spam! I love shoes, but I normally just wear one pair of slip on Volcom shoes that I bought years ago. However, I always like to be prepared and have shoes / heels for all occasions (even if I have just worn them once, or never).

From Lulu's

From Modcloth (one of my favorite online sites!)

From Forever 21 (they also come in blue)

I know, the first two are not practical, and I already have a pair of nude heels...but I love that pair because they're simple and close-toed (and cheap, but probably uncomfortable so whatever)!

For right now, that is my wish list. It's short and that's okay with me. But I hope it was good and showed you a little more of my personality.

Opinionated!Alex time

So, I'm not one for confrontation or for arguments. But, at the same time, I have a mighty big opinion; that's what causes a lot of problems between friends and can create an argument. I get that from my mother. Sometimes it's unfortunate, because if I know a person well enough and they know how I am, I'll spout off anything I want to say without actually stopping to think about it first. And I don't know if it hurts their feelings or not, but afterwards, I will think about what I said and say to myself "I probably shouldn't have said that."

I don't like to offend people (I don't like being offended, so I feel everyone feels the same way I do), so instead of telling that person what I think, I'll tell another person and hope they keep whatever I said about that other person to themselves. It's a bit cowardly, but I think it's also a Southern thing.

My dad is from Los Angeles, and there it's all peace and love (although he was hardly a hippie, try the complete opposite). So, if you want to talk to someone and you have those southern Cali genes, you say what you feel in a very thoughtful, sentimental, understanding, soft way. I can also talk to people this way as well. I was blessed with the witty, whip-cracking personality of my mom, but the soft and tender personality of my dad. Normally, though, I end up being a bit blunt and rude, even if I am just talking to myself about someone.

I also think my opinion should be honored. If someone asks me "What should I do?" and I tell them straight up, they should listen and possibly go forth with what I have said. If they go off and do the opposite thing than what I said, why even waste my breath saying anything at all? That actually kind of infuriates me.

I have a friend that has been asking me over and over the same opinion for over a year now, and he never listens. I don't know why. Maybe because he wants a reason to talk to me, or maybe because he is ignorant, but I don't understand why he doesn't do what I tell him in the first place. He's still my friend and he really admires me (he has told me a million times that he "thinks highly of my opinion"), but sometimes I'm rude to him and I don't think he gets the point.

Anyway, I think there was a point to this other than to just tell you how I act and what I'm like.

Oh, right, to state my opinion on something.

Actually, I don't even think I need to say what I feel - I should just tell you what happened and let you form your own opinion.

My ex-boyfriend Joey and his girlfriend went to Europe for spring break (because, for college students, those still exist). That's cool, I'm jealous, I wish Wade and I could go to Europe for 2 weeks because we have nothing else to do. It's true, I am jealous ONLY because he got to go with a significant other. I would love to go on a trip with Wade (fingers crossed for Disney World this summer).

Anyway, here's where I have to bite my tongue because I want to explode (because he is truly the epitome of stupid and disgusting): they went to Amsterdam, and I guess other places in Europe, for one reason only. To smoke pot and get high.

I've been known to do stupid things in my lifetime, but this I think takes the cake for prime idiocy. You are 24 years old, you are working a dead-end job, and you go off to Europe and frolic around Amsterdam to get high all day just because you will get arrested if you do it in America (which, you already do 99% of the time so I'm surprised you haven't landed in jail - AGAIN).

Yeah I'd love to go to Amsterdam and smoke weed once just for the experience, but it wouldn't be the essence, the bulk, the REASON for my trip. I would go to Amsterdam and enjoy the history, I would go back to Paris and sit on the Champs with a baguette and my lover, I would go to London and Bath and Rome and take in the sights.

I don't want to go to a place just to forget it. That's part of the reason why I didn't drink at all in Paris (well, once, at dinner, I had rosé, but that was it). I wanted to remember my experiences and the joys and the sights. I want to remember how I felt.

I'm not knocking on pot smokers. I've done it before, I know a lot of people that have, and I know some people that still do. I'm not against it. But I don't think it should be what your life is centered around.

I'm so glad he saved me from spending the past 2 years with him, because I would be just as much a loser as he is today.

In other news

I changed the title of my blog. "Pigeon's Picks and Other Ponderings" was just too damn long. So, I changed it to "Pigeon's Perceptions", which allows more room for my thoughts and ideas as well as things that I enjoy / like. I'm fine with it for now, but my URL will still be pigeonspop. I like it and I can remember it. I also changed my font to Arial. You can't ever go wrong with a sans-serif classic.

I've been watching Harry Potter all day long. I haven't left the house (normally, on Sundays, I never leave regardless). But I don't want to go outside and attract the pollen.

I painted my nails today also. For the ball, they were a dark red called "Masquerade Ball" made by Confetti.

These are not my nails, but that is the color.

Today, they are "Firefly" by Maybelline. Not only do I like the light pink color, but the name has sentimental value to me. That was the selling point for me. I am a slave for marketing. It is a great spring color.

Firefly is the one in the top right corner. I love all of these colors - but note they are not as dark as they look. This is a light, shimmery, fresh pink. 

Maybelline makes some of my favorite colors, and these are not disappointing. My dresser is overflowing with colors from different brands, but Maybelline makes some of the best (I guess in comparison to China Glaze or OPI, since I don't have any of those I can't make a great comparison).

Pointless post is pointless. And not quality. Sorry, I don't have much to say!

Fireman's Ball!

Friday was awesome. It was the day of the Fireman's Ball! I know, I posted about it earlier and what I was going to wear, etc. I ended up changing my shoes to the navy shoes. Our friend Miranda said last minute to wear the navy shoes, but I think they looked great.

Complete outfit! I felt really beautiful.

Anyway, it was great fun. I spent all day Friday at home, relaxing, because I knew I was going to be out in heels all night. Thank goodness I relaxed, because I spent roughly 6-7 hours standing in them and dancing. I thought my feet were going to be deformed for the rest of my life because I have never worn heels for that long amount of time.

Wade came and picked me up at my house, which doesn't really make sense because I live outside of Savannah,  and the ball was in Savannah where he lives. So he drove out to get me for no reason other than to pick me up and take pictures in my front yard. We looked adorable I think. He wore a suit, and he looked so amazing. And now, he has a suit for future events where he will need to wear a suit! He went shopping with his best friends / coworkers that afternoon; he called it a "girl man's date".

So, we did that, then went to dinner at the Bonefish Grill with his coworkers and their wives / fianceés. I had the mahi-mahi, steamed vegetables, and their au gratin potatoes. I don't think I've ever had potatoes that were that amazing. I suggest getting them! They were phenomenal.

After dinner, we drove downtown to the venue. There were quite a few people there already. Some women had gotten their hair done up and wore dresses similar to something you would wear to prom. I felt a little weird about that. But there was really no understanding of what women should wear. Some girls wore super skanky dresses. They were totally looking for single firemen. It was a little sad.

We spent the majority of our time talking and dancing and acting ridiculous. Two guys showed up dressed as Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber (the blue and orange tuxes)... they were amazing. I knew one of them from high school, and he looked very dapper in his blue suit.

Wade and I slow danced to Piano Man... it was adorable and fun and he dipped me at the end and gave me a kiss. I love him.

The ball was so much fun. I think I had the most unique dress there, and I did get a lot of compliments!

Last night, I was dumb enough to use some astringent. I just wash my face in the shower with Aveeno, but last night I found some astringent and although it did take off some more dirt, I woke up this morning with a swollen face. Who's smart? Not me. There is a welt under my right eye and my cheeks and neck are red and itchy. It sucks.

St. Patrick's Day

So today last year I met Wade. It wasn't a magical moment, really. I was downtown at a store called Shirts 'n' Stuff (I know, really original and creative), and my friend Emily and I were serving beer to people. It was just a two time thing (the owner has a storage unit at the place where I work, and asked if we wanted to help him out for the week). Wade and his friends walked in, and I recognized him from high school. We ended up talking for the majority of my 8 hour shift, and he was supposed to walk me to my car (I immediately trusted him, so I asked him if he would and he said yes) but didn't come back to get me in time and I didn't have his phone number.

I also got slapped on the butt by a guy in the Army who was totally trying to take me out for a drink while I was waiting for Wade to come back and get me. I was too shocked to retaliate or punch him in the face. I actually was very surprised and intrigued that he had enough guts to do it in public. But hey, that's St. Patrick's Day in Savannah.

This is me, today. I am wearing the same shirt I wore last year (not only because it's basically the only green shirt I have, but also for nostalgic purposes). I was at Walgreens visiting my friend Chris.

Today, to celebrate the day of our first meeting, I went to this new place called Gigi's Cupcakes in Savannah. It's actually a franchise and there are stores all over the country! If there is one near you, please try them out. The menu changes every day and the flavors are phenomenal! I ordered 4 cupcakes to share with Wade and his coworkers. I took a bite of each one, because I can't eat a whole cupcake.

The 4 cupcakes I chose to get (clockwise): Midnight Magic, Wedding Cake, Banana Nut Muffin, and Red Velvet. The red velvet was the best, even though I'm not a huge fan, and the midnight magic was incredible.

I took a bite of each one with a spoon. That was about all I could handle.

Tomorrow night, I will be going to a Fireman's Ball. The proceeds are donated to the MDA. I'm really excited, because I get to dress up and go have fun with my boyfriend and our friends... and I also get to ogle a whole bunch of firemen (I don't think anyone would pass up that opportunity).

Here is the dress I am wearing:

It's called the Center of Attention dress, and I ordered it from Modcloth. Currently, there are no more in stock (thank goodness I bought it in January!), but Modcloth has a load of great dresses to look at and buy.

I will also be wearing this sort of sweater thing. It's one of those button-up, short sleeve sweaters that cuts off at your natural waist. Honestly, it looks great with the dress, and I needed something to cover my shoulders. I originally bought navy heels to wear with the dress (that's the color of the pattern on the dress), but after careful consideration, I will be wearing a pair of nude peeptoes (they look better now that I have the sweater). 

The navy heels. They don't look very high in the photo, but they're about 3 inches which is plenty for me. I've worn them out before and they are the most comfortable heels ever! I like how simple they are.

These are the heels I will be wearing. I'm not a huge fan of the knot at the toe, but it will make do. Also, the different material on the heel is weird to me. I feel like they are just going to break if I step incorrectly (which happens a lot). They are comfortable, but I'm afraid they will break (like the heel really will snap off). Let's hope not.

In other news... I've been unfollowing a lot of people on Tumblr lately. Not only because they have gotten to a point of annoying that I can't handle, but because they're posting all these Harry Potter spoilers and I don't want the movie ruined for me. Also, they are so "jump down your throat" vicious. They jump on every bandwagon. And for them, the new fad is "being gay". I don't even want to get into that last point, because it really pisses me off. 

AND it's Harry Potter weekend on ABC Family. My favorite kind of weekend. Sorcerer's Stone is on right now and it's playing in the background. I love it. I just wish they had LotR weekends too... 

I hope everyone had a really great St. Patrick's Day (here, it's like a national holiday)!

Sigh

Wade and I got into it last night. But not about anything TOO serious.

I hate walking his dog, and swore I would never do it again after she sat down in the middle of the street and wouldn't go to the grass (a car was coming, and I was getting freaked out that they were going to run her over because they couldn't see her). She still wouldn't come when I called her name and tugged lightly on the leash, so I didn't know what to do, and she wouldn't move. She cowered there like I was going to murder her on purpose or something. She finally moved after the car slammed on brakes and waited for her to move because I wasn't going to go back out into the street either. I was furious, so I told him that I would "never walk his stupid piece of shit animal again". This was last week.

I really hate that dog.

Anyway, she really needed to go out last night and he was hanging out with his friends, and after a few "She looks like she needs to go outside"'s from me, I got fed up and took her out. He didn't know, as he was in the bathroom, so he came outside and found me with her. He took the leash and I went back inside to get my things and go home.

He walked me out and asked if I was mad at him. I said yes, but that I was more annoyed that the dog had to sit there and wait for him to take her out. I said I wouldn't want to be deprived of pooping, because I would lash out (this dog doesn't do anything, doesn't tell people when she needs to go out, and she's very nice to everyone but is terrified of me).

Anyway, he said that he has a method (which, he does, but if something isn't done immediately, I get annoyed and infuriated that it hasn't been done yet. This goes for anything). And Sadie is used to that method, but I'm sure she would have liked to go outside way earlier, just like I'm sure any dog wants to go outside the moment their owner gets home.

He said I shouldn't take things upon myself to do, and I told him that not only would no one walk the dog if someone didn't take initiative, but I wasn't able to do anything for myself for 3 years (because of all my surgeries). So, at times, it's nice to get up and go get myself a glass of water, or walk up and down the stairs, or do a favor for someone else. I don't want to do it all the time, but that's what it really has become. I feel like I do everything and no one else does anything.

For example, his friends wanted to play beer pong last night, but they left the cups in the car. I was the only one standing up, and they were all bitching "No, you go get them." I finally got loud and said "Give me the keys, I'll go get them if you all shut up." I don't feel like having an argument with someone over who is going to go get what out of where. That's ridiculous. So, I'll just go do it and not only will everyone be happy, but they will shut up and get on with life. I don't like to argue for no good reason.

Then the little argument we had about Sadie turned into a discussion about how I am viewed as "the bad guy". When you're the girlfriend, you are always viewed this way. If I tell him to do something, I am looked at like "Ugh, she shouldn't be telling him to do anything. She has no right." And then I'm looked at like the bitch.

Normally, that's the only problem girlfriends have. However, I have it double time because I don't like being around animals. Then, I'm looked at like an alien or like someone who has five eyeballs. "You tell him what to do AND you don't like animals? You're a bitch who has no heart."

So, I broke down in tears because I don't want to be disliked. But, I can't change who I am. I can't change the fact that animals make my blood pressure rise right through the roof, they piss me off, and they make me feel disgusting and dirty. I can't chance the fact that I am a bit of a controlling person, and HAVE to tell him what to do because if I don't, he won't do it (now, he actually likes being told what to do. Literally. "Wade, walk your dog right now" is absolutely fine with him, but I just don't like to be like that). But, if I do go all "mom" on him, I'm looked at like I'm some crazy bitch who always tells him what to do. I don't always tell him what to do. And it makes me upset.

He reassured me that it was okay, and that the person he fell in love with is a girl who is headstrong and set in her convictions. So, now I'm wondering what happened to that girl, because this girl starts to cry at the drop of a hat if she acts like herself around his friends.

I don't know, I feel better now obviously. And I'm glad we had that talk. I now know it's okay to tell him what to do, and that not liking Sadie is okay, and that I don't have to do things just because they haven't been done by him or his roommate. I shouldn't take things upon myself to do, especially when it's not at my house. But when I see things NEED to be done and no one is doing them, then it will never get done unless someone takes charge. I feel like I am that person.

It's annoying, sometimes, to be me, but I have to accept my fate that this is how I will always be.

So

I found a notebook in my house. It's a Paris themed notebook (go figure). It's lined, but it's not something you would bring to school to write class notes in. It's a notebook meant for writing.

So I wrote in it. And I feel better so far.

I wrote about my escapades back in 2010, what happened after that boy (let's call him Joey) broke up with me, and what I did during my life as a single lady. Also, currently, I'm in the middle of writing about how Wade and I met. I think it's set up a little like a fiction story, and to get my juices flowing again is magnificent. Of course, it's non-fiction, but the way it reads sounds somewhat like a story that someone made up.

I had a lot of fun when I was single. I saw my friends all the time. I was with my best friend Christopher EVERY Saturday night in downtown Savannah. We would go to dinner, and drive with the sunroof open and sing Lady Gaga at the top of our lungs. It was always a pleasure. I was focusing more on school. I was also single when I took the best class of my life: Rhetoric. So not only did I have time to focus on that, but I enjoyed it WAY more than I thought I would. I went to church every Sunday with my friend Carol. We would worship together and I would always learn from it. It was one of the best Falls of my life.

Now, I'm a taken lady, to a boy that I love very much, and I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I miss my friends, but I hardly see Wade and I just want to spend time with him. Plus, all of my friends are super busy. It's okay, I will see them again obviously, and he's not holding me back from anything. Carol and I plan on going to church next Sunday. Recently, I've just been too tired to do anything in general.

I guess that's my fault, just for lack of motivation. I don't really want to do much anymore, but that's because I don't have something pushing me (school). Oh well. I think I'm just in a funk, and I'll get out of it soon.

Anyway, I will continue to write tonight in my journal, and feel better about life. I always tell people it's easier to get your feelings out when you write and I'm feeling better already. I like to tell my story.

Side note

I also have a lot of things to say. About the past, about the future, about today in general (actually, today hasn't been so bad). I want to say things to people that bother me or that make me happy about them. But I never will.

I guess things like that are meant for a written journal, which I haven't kept in over a year.

I believe the last time I wrote a journal was back when I was in Paris. I wrote every night about my experiences and what I did that day. And I'm so very happy that I did, just because I can read it now and remember exactly where I was, and the smells and different tastes and people. The only problem is that it's filled with side notes to a boy that I will never speak to again.

I hate to be reminded.

I would like to keep a written journal again, but I have lost my motivation to write. But all of these crazy things I want to say are weighing so heavily on my mind, I don't know how else to cope. Ugh.

Hating

I despise my job.

Oh Alex, it's a JOB!

Shut up. I get paid 7.50 an hour to babysit a building for 8.5 hours, can hardly pay for anything I own or want to do, and have 0% human interaction.

It's the worst job on the planet. Not to mention that I have only gotten praised for my work twice in the past two years I've worked here.

Also, it's far from intellectually stimulating. I am actually getting dumber here. I can feel my brain cells screaming in agony as they die.

Quick post

I think I'm going to do what Emily does (her name is MrsWasp, follow her she's great), and do that "Wishlist Wednesday" thing. Of course, I will probably start next week. And I probably won't do it all the time, because I run out of things to want.

In other news, I have an eye doctor appointment today. My contacts are NOT cooperating. I can't see out of them right now, everything is really blurry. I don't know what that means. I will be having a long talk with my doctor!

So, for the lack of a quality post today, here is a picture of one of my favorite places on earth:

This is my photo from this past summer. It was the day before the 4th of July. Those fireworks were unbelievable. I cried.

Just so you know...

I love my eyebrows! They're thick and black. They have a nice shape and I think if they were any thinner, I'd look weird.

Just sharing.

And since no one knows what I look like...

This is me. My hair isn't straightened in this picture (the way I like to have it) and I'm wearing an outfit that my mother bought on Guam in 1980. It was made in Thailand.

Be aware of your body

My friend Emily had a request for my next post. So, I'll write a little about it (since, really, it is somewhat private and a bit of an embarrassment).

I'm only 24 years old, but I've lived a full life, it feels like. I've gone to school, finished school, wondered what I'm going to do after school. I've fallen in love roughly 4 times. I've been to Disney World as much as a full grown adult with 3 kids. I've traveled the world (but only remember France / Europe) - I was too young to remember Guam, Japan, Thailand, and the far east.

I've also spent enough time in the hospital to know how to be a nurse already. Who needs school when you're basically a patient apprentice?

I'm not going to go into detail about why I was in the hospital. I'm not going to talk about the sleepless nights with the Disney channel blaring in the darkness, the needle pricks every hour, my swollen hands, or my IV scars. I won't talk about my hospital parties (they are just fond memories now, as someone that I really despise sat there in silence while my friends and I had fun... well they had fun, I sort of slept).

What I will talk about is what a lot of women need to be aware of: PCOS.

PCOS stands for Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, and causes cysts to form on your ovaries. There are also a lot of side effects, such as: excessive hairiness, lots of weight around the stomach area (but thinner everywhere else), irregular to no periods, dark skin around the neck and finger area, insulin problems, and infertility. This disease will not kill you, but it will make you feel like you're dying.

It's not the most mysterious disease, but when you have never heard of it, have all those symptoms (except maybe the infertility, that might not always happen) and you live with them every day, it becomes a mystery. It becomes a way of life.

I didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time, and I started to hate everything about myself. I was really fat. According to most people, fat is like 400 pounds. I was around 180 at my highest, but for a small person of my stature, it was pretty big. I was unhappy with how I looked and felt, not to mention that I had open wounds on my stomach and back from something called hidradenitis suppurativa. That is in correlation with the PCOS.

So, after 7 surgeries and a doctor visit, I was put on birth control and something called metformin, which is a diabetes medication. My insulin levels were out of whack, so that was to help put them back where they should be. I do not have diabetes.

For 2 months, this medicine ravaged my body. I was throwing up constantly and sick all the time. I was weak. Eventually, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me, and I'm no stranger to the reason. I'm not dumb. I was no longer able to do things with him, or engage in relations, because my body felt like it was on the brink of destruction. If that's what he was using me for, then yeah, he was a pretty terrible boyfriend. I agree. I dealt with him for 3 years. So it was eventually time, and that was a pretty great reason to end it. I'm glad it's over - thank you!

I also had a lifechanging surgery in December of 2009... I had a wound excision. Basically a miniature tummy tuck. The doctor lopped off 3 pounds of excess, dead, necrotic skin on my stomach that was not doing anything for me but hinder and hurt. I came out with a pretty long scar (if I draw eyes above it, it looks like a smiley face!) on my stomach, but I'd rather have a million scars than hurt every time I moved. Also, it's nice to be a size 10 instead of a size 16 (which is what I was in 2009).

It was hard to heal from that surgery, because it was so extensive, but I did. That Christmas was the worse one I've ever had, but I fought through it and I struggled every day with the pain, and I came out a much better, more attractive, and more healthy human being.

I got better, and also used to the medicine. I'm currently still taking it, but it doesn't do nearly as much damage, if it does any at all. My body was trying to tell me that it's time to change. You can't eat whatever you want and take the medicine, it's impossible. So, I changed my eating habits.

I eat lots of fiber now, and try not to fill up on fast food (although during the week it does happen). I don't eat huge portions. I eat kind of like a bird now... I'll take 5 bites, be finished, and then be hungry about 2 hours later. I gave up steak in 2009... THAT will definitely cut your caloric intake. Only 1 Coke per day. I used to drink about 3 or 4. Lots of water, of course. No alcohol. It's all about moderation. And it's not very hard to do.

It annoys me when I see girls complain about how they can't stay on a diet. Dear everyone: I have to stay on a consistent diet, and I can't change it. I can't eat five bowls of ice cream when I'm sad, or pig out on 80 hot dogs at a football game with five beers. All it takes is a little bit of willpower. Evidently, no one has that now, as they quit dieting 3 days after they start because they really miss that macaroni and cheese and those hamburgers.

It's easier, when you have a problem, to stick with the diet that you eat. So I understand that these people really don't want to stay on their diets, because they don't have limitations. But just pretend you have them, and you will be able to stick with the diet.

Lifestyle changes are best for everyone, and I made mine about a year and a half ago. I'm much happier for it, and I believe I'm much healthier too. I haven't been this happy ever, so it's nice to have a bit of a change.

So, I guess the moral of this story is: if you have health insurance, use it! If you have a problem, go to the doctor. First, read up on your symptoms on the internet to see if there is anything seriously wrong. Make sure you are keeping yourself healthy, and be aware that PCOS can affect anyone.

Greetings!

Hello and welcome to my blog.

Well, that was a lame introduction.

Anyway, to start, my name is Alex, and the name of my blog is "Pigeon's Picks and Other Ponderings".

Now, I'm sure you're wondering why. Does she love pigeons? They are flying rats... Actually reader, I am not a fan of pigeons. Or rats, really. Or many animals. I do like the occasional cat and puppy photo, but I never grew up with animals, or near them, so I'm not fond of furry creatures. They're fun to look at, but definitely not for me!


Do pigeons ponder? I'm sure they do, but about crumblies on the sidewalk, not about fashion, current events, or anything that I like and am willing to write about. But I think they do have a blatant disregard for humans. That's okay, we don't like them either!

"Pigeon" is my nickname, "pidg" for short. My boyfriend Wade started to call me "pigeon" after we watched The Lady and the Tramp together. You know, the adorable movie about the spaghetti-slurping dogs that fall in love and very obviously come from different classes in the caste system and is made by one of my favorite companies, Disney.


Ugh, you're like an adult or something. I watch Disney movies all the time, guys... they aren't just for children. Actually, when you watch them as an adult, you understand the jokes and plots much better than when you're a child! It's not all about the singing crab or the crazy French chauvinist who really, really likes eggs.


Why did you make your boyfriend watch that... Because he was willing and he'll watch anything with me. He's that nice (plus, he laughs at them more than I do, which makes me all googly inside).

Anyway, I started this blog to talk about things that I like. And I like a lot of things, much like some of you.

But not animals. No. But I love watching stupid cat videos and *learning* about animals and how they think, if that helps any.

A few little nuggets about me:
01) I'm a 24 year old living in Savannah, GA.
02) I love to read and edit things. Anything. I'll read your stories, but at a price.
03) My boyfriend's name is Wade. He's a firefighter. I talk about him frequently.
04) I graduated college last year. I was an English Communications major. I hope to one day work for a publishing company, but I doubt that will happen, so I will happily settle for another job, so long as I can edit stories / manuscripts on the side.
05) Here's a whole bunch of things I like: Harry Potter, Disney, France, fashion, shoes! and accessories!, my city, peanut butter, making lists, Christmas, movies, books, music, and writing.

That's all for now. At least I gave you an introduction (sub-par, but it was an introduction nonetheless). I hope you enjoyed and I hope you stick around to see what I blog about!