Do you hear that?

It's the sound of me slowly dying.

I've been having some trouble recently. Well, within the past week really. And it all has to do with where I had surgery.

Just to be less vague, I will tell you where I had my surgery: my bottom. Yes, "ew, wtf, that's strange. Who has surgery on their bottom?" I DO and I'll tell you why, you're welcome.

I had a pilonidal cyst (look it up), and it had to be operated upon because it was so bad. 8 surgeries later, and I am much better, but sometimes I have moments where my body doesn't cooperate and bad things happen. For instance, right now, I'm very swollen and the pain is so excruciating every time I stand up I want to pass out or vomit. My surgery was in a very sensitive area and I still technically have an open wound that I have to take care of every day. Sometimes bad things (like hair, etc) get into the wound and it swells up and gives me a fever and starts pumping out this stuff called "granulation". It looks a little like pus from a pimple, except there's a lot more of it and it's a little bit darker (and I have since become immune to thinking it's disgusting). The granulation leaks out of my body and gets all the bad stuff out. I deal with this every day. Normally, there is only a little granulation, but this past week has been super bad (just think a light period vs. a heavy period). And I'm also in a lot of pain, with no pain medication because my doctors think I'm okay. News flash: I am not okay and need to be on pain medicine all the time because I am in pain all the time. Imagine that!

I am much more stable now than I was back in 2008 and 2009, but there are some times when I go back to feeling like I am debilitating and have to rest all day. It's exhausting. You look at me and think "There's nothing wrong with her". You're wrong - it's just nothing you can see.

I'm sorry if that was a little TMI, but it's my life. Sometimes I'm ashamed of it, but telling my story helps me deal with everything I go through and I like to think it helps others realize that their bodies are totally in control of themselves. You can't control what your body does, but you have to deal with the choices it decides to make.

Don't ever ignore a pain or a problem that you have. Get it checked out and don't let it get too far gone, like I did. Otherwise, you'd be in the same boat that I am every day.