Sigh

Wade and I got into it last night. But not about anything TOO serious.

I hate walking his dog, and swore I would never do it again after she sat down in the middle of the street and wouldn't go to the grass (a car was coming, and I was getting freaked out that they were going to run her over because they couldn't see her). She still wouldn't come when I called her name and tugged lightly on the leash, so I didn't know what to do, and she wouldn't move. She cowered there like I was going to murder her on purpose or something. She finally moved after the car slammed on brakes and waited for her to move because I wasn't going to go back out into the street either. I was furious, so I told him that I would "never walk his stupid piece of shit animal again". This was last week.

I really hate that dog.

Anyway, she really needed to go out last night and he was hanging out with his friends, and after a few "She looks like she needs to go outside"'s from me, I got fed up and took her out. He didn't know, as he was in the bathroom, so he came outside and found me with her. He took the leash and I went back inside to get my things and go home.

He walked me out and asked if I was mad at him. I said yes, but that I was more annoyed that the dog had to sit there and wait for him to take her out. I said I wouldn't want to be deprived of pooping, because I would lash out (this dog doesn't do anything, doesn't tell people when she needs to go out, and she's very nice to everyone but is terrified of me).

Anyway, he said that he has a method (which, he does, but if something isn't done immediately, I get annoyed and infuriated that it hasn't been done yet. This goes for anything). And Sadie is used to that method, but I'm sure she would have liked to go outside way earlier, just like I'm sure any dog wants to go outside the moment their owner gets home.

He said I shouldn't take things upon myself to do, and I told him that not only would no one walk the dog if someone didn't take initiative, but I wasn't able to do anything for myself for 3 years (because of all my surgeries). So, at times, it's nice to get up and go get myself a glass of water, or walk up and down the stairs, or do a favor for someone else. I don't want to do it all the time, but that's what it really has become. I feel like I do everything and no one else does anything.

For example, his friends wanted to play beer pong last night, but they left the cups in the car. I was the only one standing up, and they were all bitching "No, you go get them." I finally got loud and said "Give me the keys, I'll go get them if you all shut up." I don't feel like having an argument with someone over who is going to go get what out of where. That's ridiculous. So, I'll just go do it and not only will everyone be happy, but they will shut up and get on with life. I don't like to argue for no good reason.

Then the little argument we had about Sadie turned into a discussion about how I am viewed as "the bad guy". When you're the girlfriend, you are always viewed this way. If I tell him to do something, I am looked at like "Ugh, she shouldn't be telling him to do anything. She has no right." And then I'm looked at like the bitch.

Normally, that's the only problem girlfriends have. However, I have it double time because I don't like being around animals. Then, I'm looked at like an alien or like someone who has five eyeballs. "You tell him what to do AND you don't like animals? You're a bitch who has no heart."

So, I broke down in tears because I don't want to be disliked. But, I can't change who I am. I can't change the fact that animals make my blood pressure rise right through the roof, they piss me off, and they make me feel disgusting and dirty. I can't chance the fact that I am a bit of a controlling person, and HAVE to tell him what to do because if I don't, he won't do it (now, he actually likes being told what to do. Literally. "Wade, walk your dog right now" is absolutely fine with him, but I just don't like to be like that). But, if I do go all "mom" on him, I'm looked at like I'm some crazy bitch who always tells him what to do. I don't always tell him what to do. And it makes me upset.

He reassured me that it was okay, and that the person he fell in love with is a girl who is headstrong and set in her convictions. So, now I'm wondering what happened to that girl, because this girl starts to cry at the drop of a hat if she acts like herself around his friends.

I don't know, I feel better now obviously. And I'm glad we had that talk. I now know it's okay to tell him what to do, and that not liking Sadie is okay, and that I don't have to do things just because they haven't been done by him or his roommate. I shouldn't take things upon myself to do, especially when it's not at my house. But when I see things NEED to be done and no one is doing them, then it will never get done unless someone takes charge. I feel like I am that person.

It's annoying, sometimes, to be me, but I have to accept my fate that this is how I will always be.